Mamma has the summertime blues

Thanks everyone for your visit and comments! I love hearing from you, it's a real treat to check my mail and see that I have comments posted on my site :)

Yes, I've been in a bit of a funk...I think it started in Sept 04 and I haven't quite been able to shake it off. That is when we moved to Germany, the weather was a big change for me (I love hot weather) and for the first time my family and I was living far from extended family. It wasn't the first time being away from home but back then I was single and stayed very busy with friends and travels. Being in Europe with my family was a lot of fun but not having friends or family to share those moments with makes things a bit lonely. We started our adoption process in Nov 04 and even then I felt very alone, especially since there were not many adoptive families on our base. I did a lot of mass emails to family and friends and had about 5 different websites going with photos, which everyone seemed to love, but no one ever replied to me. It was hard to keep up a one way conversation and I felt like I was being shut out. I joined our agency chat group and that is how I met fellow adoptive families. That led me to our DTC chat group, which led me to find Do They Have Salsa in China and that is how my blogging began. I think without my little world of bloggy communication I would lose my mind. I love reading about everyones daily ups and downs and stories that touch the heart or make me laugh. My blog friends have become a family to me and some days I think you are the only ones that care. I don't hear from family that often and that is really sad. I miss all the fun things we did together. Maybe it is because I chose the life I have and moved away but I still need the companionship of friends. I know I should try harder to make friends here but I know I don't want to live here any longer than I must and that is preventing me from reaching out to others and establishing a relationship with those that try to get to know me better. I know in less than 2 years we will move again and then it will be time to re-establish new friendships all over again. I can usually make friends quickly wherever I go but I have always been a one best friend kinda girl. I am pretty adament about who that one friend is going to be and one established, they are my friend for life. I guess I should try being a better friend to everyone I meet instead of trying to find that perfect someone because until I am settled somewhere, we will not be close enough to establish a true friendship that lasts. I don't know why but I've always wished that I'd had a sister. Someone to share secrets with, someone to be there for, to laugh with, cry with, or just to pester and annoy. I think when you have a sister, you'd never be lonely...you may want to be sometimes but you never are. You can be yourself and they love you, even when they don't like you very much. That is why I am so torn right now. Should I, in the current situation that we are in, push for another adoption? Shouldn't Jaiden have the experience of a sister? I don't want to deny her of this and I really want to bring more children into our home. What is it that holds me back? Fear? I think it's fear, not sure of what but something. I've never been afraid of anything except dying without making a difference and as the years have ticked on I reflect and wonder what I've accomplished. Where's the brood that I dreamed of? When did I lose that focus? Where am I going? When did having a nice home and finacial security become that much more important than my dreams? Why can't we have it all? What is the price of happiness? I don't know the answers but my heart tells me that I am not compete yet. I sit here in a nice job and look out the window at a perfect summer day and wonder "why in double hockey sticks am I not out there enjoying this day with my children?" I don't think there is any place I'd rather be.