This post is sad and it really breaks my heart to send this out because so many of you will decide that I am not worthy of this beautiful child but I need to release this somehow.
Jaiden has been able to say "momma" for as long as we have known her (7 months now) she said it when we first met her but seemed to catch herself and stopped. Well today I decided to play a game of "where's momma?" with her just to see what she would do. I said to her "Where's momma?" tapped on my chest and said "momma?" "where's momma?" she looked at me quizzily and did the "i don't know" gesture, with hands uplifted in the air. I said "did momma go bye-bye?" and she walked away looking for her. It just broke me into pieces to watch her walk away. Now she is walking around the house and looking out the window saying "momma".
When I try to get her to come to me she gets angry and throws a fit. I don't know how to get through this right now. I know it will take a long time for us to bond but it has been months and I am nothing to her but a caregiver. she likes me ok when I am giving her what she wants but that quickly changes when I come too close or do something she doesn't like. I wish I knew what she was thinking and feeling right now. Is she unhappy here? does she wish she were still with her foster mom? I know I do things a lot differently and she was very well cared for in her foster home. I wonder if the unconditional love will ever come to be a part of her emotions but right now it doesn't seem like it and I feel like such a failure as a mom. Sure I can make her laugh and smile, she will let anyone do that, but when will she really want me? to hold her and rock her, to cuddle away her tears, to soothe her when she is tired and grumpy, to make her feel safe and secure. How do you know when your adoptive child has bonded? Is there a sign? A look? A word? When she hugs me it is with open arms and hands; she rather lays into my arms. When she kisses - she gives me her forehead or cheek. When I try to hold her - she pushes away if I'm not taking her to her chosen destination. Why doesn't she love me? She is such a sweet child and she likes everyone; but her affection is not bias. I guess that is what adoption is all about; loving someone so completely even when they turn away. This is how God loves us even when we turn away and want nothing to do with his love. And when we turn to this love, we find it has been there all along. Sometimes it takes a lifetime to discover the obvious.
Jaiden has been able to say "momma" for as long as we have known her (7 months now) she said it when we first met her but seemed to catch herself and stopped. Well today I decided to play a game of "where's momma?" with her just to see what she would do. I said to her "Where's momma?" tapped on my chest and said "momma?" "where's momma?" she looked at me quizzily and did the "i don't know" gesture, with hands uplifted in the air. I said "did momma go bye-bye?" and she walked away looking for her. It just broke me into pieces to watch her walk away. Now she is walking around the house and looking out the window saying "momma".
When I try to get her to come to me she gets angry and throws a fit. I don't know how to get through this right now. I know it will take a long time for us to bond but it has been months and I am nothing to her but a caregiver. she likes me ok when I am giving her what she wants but that quickly changes when I come too close or do something she doesn't like. I wish I knew what she was thinking and feeling right now. Is she unhappy here? does she wish she were still with her foster mom? I know I do things a lot differently and she was very well cared for in her foster home. I wonder if the unconditional love will ever come to be a part of her emotions but right now it doesn't seem like it and I feel like such a failure as a mom. Sure I can make her laugh and smile, she will let anyone do that, but when will she really want me? to hold her and rock her, to cuddle away her tears, to soothe her when she is tired and grumpy, to make her feel safe and secure. How do you know when your adoptive child has bonded? Is there a sign? A look? A word? When she hugs me it is with open arms and hands; she rather lays into my arms. When she kisses - she gives me her forehead or cheek. When I try to hold her - she pushes away if I'm not taking her to her chosen destination. Why doesn't she love me? She is such a sweet child and she likes everyone; but her affection is not bias. I guess that is what adoption is all about; loving someone so completely even when they turn away. This is how God loves us even when we turn away and want nothing to do with his love. And when we turn to this love, we find it has been there all along. Sometimes it takes a lifetime to discover the obvious.
10 comments:
Oh - I am so sorry - that must be so hard - and you are right - it is a perfect picture of how much God wants to love on us and we often keep pushing Him away. I will be praying - I know it will happen - it's just that when it goes on and on it's hard for you - and her.
I am so sorry you are having such a hard time. I don't have my little one yet, but I do wonder if I will have issues with bonding with my child as well. You can try to prepare for it, but I guess you are never really prepared. Just keep loving her like you are and she will come around.
I am so aorry this is happening. My husband is goin through something similar. Anna shows him no affection and could care less if he is around. I fear they will not bond and it hurts to see them like this. Luckily she has bonded with me, but it is hard to know they have not.
Kim, I am sorry you are feeling this pain. I know it cannot be easy.
Yes, it may take a long time of her seeing you not turn away before those coping defenses melt. I hope it is not a long time but we do what we must for our kiddos.
I'll be thinking of you and I appreciate your honesty about this difficulty.
This has got to be tough, though I think it is quite normal. Our kids considered us care-givers for months. How could they not? It is all they have ever known.
Since we have language, we've been able to talk explicitly about 'family boy' and 'orphanage boy'. Our son has to deliberately unlearn old expectations.
When she asks where is momma, answer her. "I am right here." Then delight her with a toss in the air or a tiny sliver of candy. Something to associate seeing you as momma with something lovely.
One month, though it surely seems like a long time for you, is really not very long for attachment.
Best,
Suzanne
Kim, my heart hurts for you. I am certain that as much as your precious baby girl has endured in her short little life she has built walls around her heart to protect her. I am certain she is guarding her heart and testing you.... afraid to let her love you completely in fear that one day you too will be gone. Hang in there... One day she will know that you will never leave her and will always be there for her.
May the Lord give you peace.
Kim,
I am sorry. I know it can be rough. I worked on this with Shealin for a long time, and it will get better. They have been through so much in their short lives.
Dana
www.shealinsworld.blogspot.com
Hi, I have been reading your blog since the beginning. It really hurts everytime I read it. I wonder how Jaiden is going to read it when she is older. I am sure you try to be the best mom for her you can possibly be. But don't turn your face away from the facts. I think you need to find yourself help first. It reads as though you are very depressed. Once you are happy with yourself, things with Jaiden might turn around. Please get help. I wish you well!
Noëlle
Kim, don't get discouraged. It takes time...sometimes a very, very long time. The most important thing is to never give up...never settle for less than complete attachment...but, you do have to let her proceed at her own pace. Give her time to grieve her losses. Some day there WILL be room in her heart for you. In the meantime, you have to just keep on loving her with all your heart.
We are still going through the slow process of attaching with our son...almost three years after he came home to us. Progress is slow, but it IS there. I will keep your little one in my prayers, too.
Oh, I am so sorry....don't worry, she loves you...it takes some time.
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